One of the most common things I hear when couples first walk into my office sounds something like this:
“If they would just communicate better…”
“If they could stop shutting down…”
“If they would stop getting so defensive…”
“If they could finally deal with their trauma…”
The details change, but the underlying message is usually the same: our relationship would be okay if my partner would change.
I understand why people arrive to this place. When we are hurting, our brains naturally start searching for the source of the pain. We want an explanation and something that makes sense. And often, our partner’s behavior becomes the obvious culprit.
Sometimes they are doing things that genuinely need to change. Sometimes they are withdrawing, criticizing, shutting down, avoiding accountability, or struggling to regulate themselves.
But here is what I’ve noticed after years of working with couples: the moment we become completely convinced that our partner is the problem, we often become less curious about ourselves. And that is usually where relationships become stuck.
Blame Makes Perfect Sense
One of my favorite things about Emotionally Focused Therapy is that it doesn’t ask us to shame ourselves for having protective responses.
Blame is a protective response. When we blame, our nervous system is often trying to solve something. It is saying:
“This hurts.”
“Something feels wrong.”
“I need this to stop.”
“Please understand how much pain I’m in.”
From an attachment perspective, blame is often a form of protest. It is an attempt to restore safety, closeness, understanding, or responsiveness.
The problem is not that blame exists. The problem is that blame rarely accomplishes what it is trying to accomplish.
Instead, it often evokes defensiveness, shutdown, counterattack, or distance. The very thing we are hoping will bring our partner closer tends to push them farther away.
Blame is not evidence that someone doesn’t care. Very often, it’s evidence that they care deeply but no longer know how to reach the person standing in front of them.
One of my favorite things about Emotionally Focused Therapy is that it doesn’t ask us to shame ourselves for having protective responses.
Blame is a protective response. When we blame, our nervous system is often trying to solve something. It is saying:
“This hurts.”
“Something feels wrong.”
“I need this to stop.”
“Please understand how much pain I’m in.”
From an attachment perspective, blame is often a form of protest. It is an attempt to restore safety, closeness, understanding, or responsiveness.
The problem is not that blame exists. The problem is that blame rarely accomplishes what it is trying to accomplish.
Instead, it often evokes defensiveness, shutdown, counterattack, or distance. The very thing we are hoping will bring our partner closer tends to push them farther away.
Blame is not evidence that someone doesn’t care. Very often, it’s evidence that they care deeply but no longer know how to reach the person standing in front of them.
The Hidden Cost of Believing Your Partner Is the Problem
There is another cost that I think we talk about less. When a person becomes convinced that their partner is entirely responsible for the relationship problems, they also become convinced that their wellbeing depends on them changing. Without realizing it, they have handed over their sense of agency. They have unintentionally made my emotional world contingent on another person’s behavior.
Ironically, the harder we focus on fixing our partner, the more powerless we often begin to feel.
This does not mean your partner has no responsibility. Healthy relationships absolutely require accountability from both people. But accountability and blame are not the same thing.
Curiosity Creates Movement
One of the first goals in Emotionally Focused Therapy is not deciding who is right, teaching couples a perfect communication script or helping someone win the argument.
Rather, it is helping both partners become curious.
Instead of asking, “Why are they like this?” we want to begin asking:
“What’s happening inside me right now?”
“What is this anger protecting?”
“What am I longing for underneath this criticism?”
“What happens inside me when I don’t feel understood?”
“What is the person I love going through or experiencing?”
Those questions begin opening doors that blame never could.
What Your Blame Might Be Protecting
One question I sometimes wonder alongside couples is: if we could temporarily set the blame aside, what would we find underneath it?
Often it is something surprisingly tender.
“I don’t know if I matter to you.”
“I’m terrified we’re drifting apart.”
“I feel invisible.”
“I’m afraid I’ll never be enough.”
“I don’t know how to reach you anymore.”
Those are very different conversations than “you never” or “you always” or “you need to.” The content changes, but more importantly, the emotional dance changes.
Underneath almost every criticism is a person desperately hoping to feel closer, safer, more understood, or more loved.
This Doesn’t Mean You Stop Asking for Change
I want to be careful here because this idea is often misunderstood.
Moving away from blame does not mean accepting harmful behavior. It does not mean tolerating emotional abuse. It does not mean pretending your partner does not need to grow. Sometimes your partner absolutely does need to change, particularly if there are actively harmful or abusive behaviors showing up.
The difference is that we become more interested in changing the dance than in proving whose foot started stepping first. Because when one person shifts how they engage the cycle, the cycle itself begins to change. And that is ultimately what we are after.
The Question I Hope More Couples Ask
Instead of asking, “How do I get my partner to change?” I often encourage couples to begin wondering: What is my blame trying to accomplish?
Because underneath almost every criticism I have ever witnessed is a person desperately hoping to feel closer, safer, more understood, or more loved.
Blame is not evidence that someone does not care. Very often, it is evidence that they care deeply but no longer know how to reach the person standing in front of them. And that is exactly the work we do together in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.
