One part of you wants to be close to someone, while another feels almost immediately overwhelmed by what closeness asks of you. One part is exhausted and desperate to rest, while another begins listing all of the things you have not yet done. Perhaps you feel certain about a decision and then, a few hours later, find yourself pulled strongly in another direction. Both experiences feel like you. And, depending on which one is most present, you may have very different feelings about what you need or what should happen next.
We already speak about ourselves this way quite naturally. Part of me wants to go. Part of me knows this relationship is not working. Part of me is still hoping something will change. Parts work takes this ordinary language seriously and gives us a way to explore the different emotional positions, needs, fears, and protective responses that exist within us.
For me, one of the most useful aspects of this approach is that it allows us to become curious about experiences we might otherwise dismiss as irrational, inconsistent, or self-sabotaging. We can begin to understand why different aspects of you want different things, what each position is holding, and what happens when one of them becomes so powerful that it is difficult to access anything else.
What Do We Mean by “Parts”?
In parts work, a part generally refers to an aspect of self or a recognizable state that has its own perspective, feelings, expectations, and ways of responding. This is a therapeutic way of organizing experience, rather than a claim that the mind contains literal compartments we can neatly identify.
You might recognize a highly capable professional version of yourself who can manage complicated situations, make decisions, and remain relatively grounded under pressure. And then, in a relationship with someone you love, you might encounter an aspect of yourself that feels frightened, unsure, or incredibly sensitive to disappointment. Neither experience is necessarily false. They may reflect different capacities and expectations that become available in different contexts.
Some parts are easiest to recognize through what they do. There may be a part that criticizes, anticipates, performs, pleases, withdraws, or becomes fiercely independent. Others are more recognizable through what they feel or carry: grief, shame, longing, anger, joy, playfulness, or a need for care that has been difficult to acknowledge.
Not all parts are distressed, and not all parts are protective. We also have aspects of ourselves that create, connect, enjoy, explore, and feel deeply alive. A parts-work approach should have room for those experiences too, rather than turning your entire internal world into a collection of problems to solve.
What Is Parts Work Therapy?
Parts work therapy is a broad term for approaches that help people recognize and relate to these different aspects of themselves. We may explore what activates a particular state, how it influences your behavior, what it expects will happen, and how it relates to other internal positions.
Internal Family Systems, or IFS, is one well-known model of parts work. Within IFS, the mind is understood as naturally multiple, and therapy emphasizes developing a relationship with parts rather than eliminating them. The model also describes Self, an internal presence that can offer leadership and perspective. These are foundational ideas within IFS, rather than a universally established description of how every person’s mind works.
Parts-oriented work also appears in ego-state approaches and other forms of psychotherapy. These frameworks have different assumptions and language; they are not all interchangeable. At Palomares Therapy, we use an integrative approach because I do not think every client needs to understand their internal experience through the same map.
Some people find the word “parts” immediately clarifying. Others prefer aspects of self, states, protective responses, or versions of themselves. Some resonate with the idea of Self, while others find wise adult, observing self, or grounded adult capacity more accessible. The language should help you make contact with your experience. You should not have to reshape your experience to make the language work.
Why Would a Part of Me Keep Doing Something That Hurts?
This is often where parts work becomes especially useful. You may understand that a behavior is costly and still feel unable to shift it. Perhaps you keep saying yes when you want to say no. Perhaps you become critical when what you actually want is reassurance. Perhaps you pull away from a relationship and then feel painfully alone.
From a parts-work perspective, one possibility is that the response is organized around preventing something that feels even more threatening.
A people-pleasing part may believe that disappointing someone puts the relationship at risk. A critical part may be convinced that relentless pressure is the only thing keeping you competent or acceptable. A self-reliant part may associate needing someone with being let down, controlled, or humiliated. The strategy can make a great deal of sense within that emotional logic, even when it creates pain in your present life.
We do not assume these explanations simply because a behavior looks familiar. We explore them with you. The same response can mean very different things for different people, and a behavior that appears protective may also reflect a genuine preference, a necessary boundary, exhaustion, or limited capacity.
What matters is understanding what is happening in your experience. When we approach a response only as something to get rid of, we may miss why it feels necessary and what would need to change before another response becomes possible.
When Parts Become Polarized
Sometimes the difficulty is less about one particular part and more about the relationship between two of them. One part pushes harder, while another becomes increasingly resistant. One part longs for closeness, while another responds to that longing by creating distance. One part wants to express anger, while another becomes frightened of the consequences and works urgently to suppress it.
Consider the conflict between an exhausted part and a demanding part. The exhausted part wants you to stop. The demanding part notices everything that remains unfinished and increases the pressure. As the pressure grows, you may become more avoidant, numb, or unable to begin. That response then seems to confirm the demanding part’s belief that you cannot be trusted without constant supervision.
There is a cycle happening internally. And, much like a relational cycle between partners, each position can become more extreme in response to the other.
In therapy, we can slow this down and make room for the concerns on both sides. What does the demanding part fear about rest? What does the exhausted part need you to recognize about your actual capacity? We may still need to make a decision about what gets done, but there can be more information available than the familiar argument about whether you are doing enough.
What Does “Unblending” Mean?
When a part is strongly activated, its perspective may feel like the whole truth. You are not simply noticing shame; you feel certain that you are shameful. You are not noticing a fear of rejection; rejection feels inevitable, and your attention begins organizing around evidence that it is coming.
IFS uses the term unblending to describe creating enough differentiation that you can relate to a part without being entirely absorbed in its perspective. We might begin with the difference between “I am a failure” and “A part of me feels certain that I am failing.”
The feeling does not need to disappear for that distinction to matter. There may simply be a little more space to notice what activated it, what it is asking you to do, and whether another aspect of you has something to contribute.
I often use the metaphor of a conductor and an orchestra. You need the orchestra to make the music of your life. The different sections bring texture, intensity, caution, joy, and depth. But if there is no conductor on the podium, and each section is convinced that its part is the most important to be heard, you may have cacophony. In therapy, we are working toward a greater capacity to listen and lead, so that every internal response can have a place without needing to determine the entire direction of your life.
Does Understanding a Part Mean Letting It Do Whatever It Wants?
No. This is an important distinction, especially when parts work is used to understand relationship patterns.
A controlling response may be trying to prevent abandonment. A critical response may be protecting against shame. Withdrawal may help someone manage overwhelm. We can care about those experiences and still take seriously what the behavior does to another person.
Understanding the emotional logic of a response does not remove accountability for its impact. If you lash out at your partner, identifying the protective part that became activated can help you understand what happened. There is still a need to acknowledge the hurt, listen, repair, and work toward a different response.
The same applies internally. We may understand why a critical part uses humiliation to motivate you without agreeing that humiliation is how you should continue to be treated. Compassion can include limits. A grounded adult position can take a concern seriously while deciding that the strategy being used is too costly.
What Does Parts Work Look Like in a Session?
Sometimes we begin with a recent moment when you felt stuck, overwhelmed, or unlike the version of yourself you wanted to be. We may explore what happened just before the shift, what you noticed in your body, what thoughts became convincing, and what you felt pulled to do.
Other times, we map an ongoing internal conflict. We might use conversation, writing, drawing, imagery, or positions on a page to make the different responses easier to recognize. You do not need to see vivid characters, know the ages of your parts, or have immediate access to precise emotional language. IFS includes nonvisual approaches such as dialogue, journaling, and diagrams as well as imagery.
You also do not need to arrive feeling compassionate toward every aspect of yourself. You may feel frustrated, angry, or deeply tired of a particular response. That is part of what we can explore. Asking you to manufacture warmth toward something you currently experience as painful would miss where you actually are.
If turning inward becomes overwhelming or leaves you feeling less present, we adjust the pace and approach. Parts work should not require you to push through distress to perform an exercise correctly. Nor do we need to find a childhood explanation for every response or treat an image that emerges as proof of a past event.
What Are We Working Toward?
The goal is greater flexibility and internal cooperation. You may still have conflicting feelings, and some decisions will remain difficult. But there can be more room to notice what is happening, understand the concerns involved, and choose a response that considers your present life.
Perhaps you can hear the part that fears disappointing someone and still hold a boundary. Perhaps you can recognize the impulse to criticize your partner and speak about the vulnerability underneath it. Perhaps the part that insists you keep going begins to make room for the fact that you are tired.
At Palomares Therapy, we offer parts work therapy in Pasadena and online throughout California, integrating it with our work around trauma, attachment, and relationships. You do not need to arrive knowing whether parts language fits. We can begin with an experience you recognize: the thing you keep doing despite wanting something different, the conflict you cannot seem to resolve, or the aspect of yourself you have been trying very hard to understand.
